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Things have been improving. Haven't had a Big Talk with my fiancee yet, but we did have a tiny talk in the evening of the day I made my previous post, and that seems to have helped... he's been a lot more appreciative of the things I *do* manage to do, less cranky about the things I don't, and generally seems to be putting more effort into being understanding. Heck, just knowing that he finally realizes there are problems takes a big weight off my shoulders - I think that the contrast between my angst and his apparent cluelessness was stressing me out almost as much as the relationship problems themselves. It's not like I hadn't TRIED to communicate that there were problems to him several times over the last couple months, it's that until Wednesday, I think whenever I said "I'm super stressed out and think our relationship is in trouble," he misidentified the cause & effect... ie, he heard that I was stressed, and that I was worried about our relationship, but assumed that the stress was caused by prep for running an event GenCon and setting up a vendor booth at Deeplight (a LARP event run by friends of ours), and that it was making me overreact to rather small relationship issues... not unreasonable, and that added stress didn't help matters, but not an accurate assumption.

Also, the car is officially FIXED! So that helps a lot, too, just knowing I have the option of transporting myself to things on my own. Now, I just need to remember how to drive and find a thing to drive TO...

Also also, I spent much of Thursday/Friday rejiggering my resume and writing a nice cover letter and sent in an application to a job I genuinely WANT... they haven't gotten back to me yet, so I'm pouting a bit, but it's a start.

Between these things and spending most of the weekend at my folks' place to unwind and destress, I feel a lot better about things. There's still a lot to be done, and it's not going to be fun doing it, but at least I feel like I can breathe. Well, mostly... I'm still overwhelmed by day-to-day To Do list (sewing, non-sewing business stuff, cleaning, jobhunting, cooking, study for GREs, basic personal hygiene), because I can only make a worthwhile amount of progress on two, maaaaybe three of the items on the list over the course of any given day, which means I'm never caught up on ANYTHING and it's driving me insane.

And my Big Worry about the whole situation is still there... Part of me is pretty sure that the core of our relationship woes boils down to having very different ideas of what a happy, successful life looks like. I know I'm drawn to episodic high-pressure situations and being able to touch the lives of strangers (and am perfectly fine with financial instability and working very weird & inconsistent hours in the service of that). I suspect that my fiancee's ideal runs more toward a low-stress, consistent work life and a stable income that allows for expensive hobbies without concern (ie, roughly what most normal people are supposed to want)... If this is the case (it may not be), it is going to take a phenomenal amount of work for both of us to live up to an approximation of our respective ideals, if it's possible at all - these two ideals may be mutually exclusive. So that's something we're going to have to spend some serious time figuring out.

However it pans out though, I've at least gotten some perspective. If this relationship is salvageable, it will be easier to approach stuff if I calm down and remember to enjoy his company instead of dwelling on where things have cracked. And if it turns out that we aren't compatible in the long run, then I might as well calm down and enjoy what time we have left together. Either way, I'm focusing on taking deep breaths and addressing the things I already have half a clue how to resolve, which seems like a good start.

Thank you guys so much for all your advice, kind words, and YouTube links. It's really helped a lot, and knowing I have such awesome friends in the midst of this drama means so much to me... I love you guys.
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Cerys, The Great Whatchamacallit

September 2014

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